Support

Last night, I went to my first Bariatric support group.  We are required to attend one before having surgery.   I am still 7 lbs….7 LONG lbs away until my final steps.   I seem to have been bouncing between 1 & 2 lbs on the scale and I know that I need to be better in order to be successful.   I am still shooting for a January surgery date, but realistically, it may be February before I am scheduled.  I still need to reach pre surgery goal weight before i am scheduled for my psych appt, labs, EKG, meeting with RN case manager and pre surgery meeting.

I really didnt want to attend the support group.  It is in the middle of the day (can’t they schedule these things after work?) & I really hate meeting in general and speaking in meetings.   We did the usual meet and greet shortly after it started.  There were 3 post ops and the rest of us were pre ops.   I was inspired by the 2 women in the class that were post op.  They kept in real and were just great.   After surgery, I may need the support.   I am glad that I went.  I need to branch out more and do things like this to help myself in this battle.

Happy Days

Disneyland makes me happy.  So, does Disney World…but I live in California, so I have easier access to the Mouse house in Anaheim.  My husband & I are annual pass holders so we go quite often….every two months or so.   I’ve just recently started collecting the headband ears & we also collect pins.   I feel like we really bonded over our love for Disney,  We both long to go there on most days and seem happy and in love on the days that we are there.  It is a very unique thing that is hard to describe.  I hear a lot of people complaining about the price increase and how it is for rich people.  We are not rich, but it is worth it for us to go.    I hope that we can always share the special love of Disney that we have together.

Ex’s & Oh, Oh, Oh’s

Along with marrying my husband, I gained 2 teenagers (13 & 16) & a hellish ex wife.   It isn’t a fresh divorce or anything.  It is 10 years old and she has been in several other relationships and even has another child with someone else.   We have the 13 year old most of the time and the 16 year old comes and goes.  They are not incredibly young children.

But their mother loves to make our lives MISERABLE! 

Everything is an issue with her.

It is simply maddening that it can’t be a simple thing.  She is an absolute control freak and just unbearable to deal with.  Plus, she is quite the scamp.  You would think with 3 children there would be some discretion to her actions.  She cheated on my husband when they were married….then soon after was living with her soon to be new baby daddy.   Then cheated on him and the SAME day that he moved out, the new guy moved in.   She did stay with him for 4 years, then a few weeks ago kicked him to the curb.  The same day he moved out, a new guy was introduced to the kids and now she is moving in with him.

What is WRONG with people?

Pillbox for a Princess

First things first.  I am not a princess.    But you would think I am with all of the investigations and shopping that I have done in search of the perfect pillbox.   Currently, I am pre op & taking 4 different vitamins a day (some 3 times a day), Post op, I will be double, & maybe tripling that number.  I am having a hell of a time remembering them now!   At 8:30 every night, my alarm goes off and I take 4 vitamins then.  I am supposed to take 1 in the morning and two at lunch….THIS is where my problem lies.  Currently, I have one pill box at home and I am just remembering to pocket my two lunch vitamins…but i need something better so I have been over analyzing pill boxes to the extreme!   I’ve contemplated having one at my desk and then 2 at home for AM & PM.   I’ve also seen some cool ones that have individual days & compartments.

Anyone out there have one that they love to recommend to me?

Don’t Get Too Skinny

Most people that I have told about my upcoming surgery have been supportive.  I have had a few people say “oh….that’s cool, but don’t get too skinny“.    I have always been a big girl & was shopping in the Pretty Plus section at Sears as a little girl.  I don’t know how it is to be skinny, as I have never been small.  I currently weigh 301 lbs, my heaviest weight being 330 lbs.    It’s not that i don’t like the way that i look now, but i want to be healthier.  I want to be able to cross my legs, sit in chairs and ride rides without worry.   I like the way 200 lbs looks on people, but even that it considered overweight.   Currently, I am afraid of not being able to hide behind myself and my weight jokes and I am also afraid of losing my big boobs.  lol…I’ve always been a “curves are better” type of girl.   BUT STILL, I can’t imagine myself any smaller that 200 lbs.

But what if i do?

Would being 165 or 150 lbs kill me?  Would i be unattractive?   Would my husband be disappointed?

NO, probably not.

But I would be healthier than i am now.  Isn’t that the end goal anyway?

I must learn to love myself on this journey at any size.

Hair Loss Anxiety

I know that one of the heartbreaking things that “can” happen to weight loss surgery patients is hair loss.  Apparently it is only temporary and lasts about 3 months.  I am not sure what the statistics are as to how many patients actually experience this, but the thought of my hair thinning is horrifying to me.   I have baby fine hair as it is.  It isn’t thick to begin with and I just am scared that I will look like that creature from Lord of the rings….My precious.  Boo!   I have thought that if it “does” happen to me, I can look into getting a weave, wearing head bands or rocking some wigs.   Maybe I can just get super funky brightly colored wigs and not giving a care to what others think.   It is supposed to only be temporary, but I just that it doesn’t happen to me.  I guess getting healthier does have some drawbacks!

8.4 Pounds = A Human Head

I attended my group nutrition class today & was weighed prior.  It was my first “weigh in” since my surgeon appointment & I lost 8.4 pounds!   That is the equivalent to a human head.   I’ve been doing pretty well and eating right, tracking and exercise in this past week…so I was really hoping for a good loss.   I am about 12 pounds away from being able to finish everything that I need to do before surgery (psych appt, labs, EKG,final review with nurse, etc).  I can’t believe that everything is moving so rapidly.  I don’t want to have surgery until January, but we will see how fast this weight can come off.   I have two Disneyland trips coming up where I’ve decided that I won’t log or worry about what i eat.  I walk a million miles in those days and it isn’t very often that I have “free days” anymore, so i am ok with that.

In our nutrition class today there were a few people that just irked the hell out of me.  One woman seemed to just think the class revolved around her and would not stop talking.  I think in the two hours that we were there, we learned her weight, what meds she takes and her entire medical history.   I really am not fond of group activities as I find myself bothered my the idiots that try to ruin it for everyone else.

5 day streak of eating right PLUS exercise…. WHO AM I?

Wouldn’t that be nice!???

I made it through a work week  a WHOLE WORK WEEK staying on plan and eating right.  Not once did i go over my 1200 calorie limit!   I also walked with my co workers to our Leslie Sansone walking videos at least once, sometimes twice a day.  All of this and i didn’t die!  LOL   This week I feel pretty good.  I see the scale slowly going in the right direction and I actually feel that i CAN DO THIS!   On Monday, I have my first nutrition appointment.  I find it odd that this is a group appointment, but maybe it is so that we can all bounce off one another and ask questions that maybe we wouldn’t ask on our own.  I hope to do well this weekend and really try to stick with my plan as much as possible.  I am hoping for a loss when I weigh in on Monday.

The devil made me do it

I decided to go shopping at Target after work to look for a pill box for all of the vitamins i will need to start taking.   Yes, a pill box of all things.  Once i realized they are not cute & all of them are relatively plain…I decided to go look for healthy snacks.  That was mistake #1.   I looked at crackers and dried fruit, then made my way to the chocolate covered fruit and carefully read the back of each package.   I was unhappy that 1 serving was not the whole bag & instead would be 5-8 servings….so I moved along to the rest of the candy aisle.   I turned around and surrounded by white light and a choir singing, the only thing before me was the Ghirardelli dark chocolate caramel sea salt bar.   I didnt look at the calories or put much thought into it.  I quickly grabbed it and thought to myself “well, that’s that” & made my way to the check out.   Once inside my car, I unwrapped that golden wrapper and sang to myself “i got the golden ticket”!   I quickly ate 4 out of the 8 square bars before the guilt set in.

Why did i do that!!??

My day had been perfect, eating wise, until that moment.   I wrapped up the remaining pieces and thought to myself that i would give the rest to my co workers the next day (which i did the minute i got to work).   Usually I would have ate the entire 8 bars, so I guess that is a win in my book.   I recognize that I shouldn’t have eaten that in the first place, but I know that I am not perfect and it is ok to have treats on occasion….just not in the fashion that I did.   Today is a new day and I will stick with my plan.

Excited or Scared?

I have had a few friends ask me if I am excited for my surgery that’ll happen most likely in the beginning of the new year.   YES, I am Excited for lots of reasons:

• losing weight
• being able to shop at most stores
• sitting on the floor, sitting cross legged & Indian style
• Being able to exercise more
• being healthier
• not worrying about sitting in chairs with arms or the dreaded plastic picnic chairs
• fitting more comfortably in an airline seat
• not having to worry if i will fit on rides

The list goes on & on……  but I am also Scared.

• loose skin.  How bad will it be?
• It is a major surgery (i’ve never had a surgery or been in the hospital)
• Complications
• not being able to eat & the mental drain

I think the benefits outweigh the negatives for sure & i am definitely excited.  January seems so far away, but for insurance purposes, it makes the most sense.   3 months isnt really very long at all & i still need to lose 19 lbs before my surgeon will do it.    LOTS of time to get excited!!!