Crazy Kitty Love

Confessions of a cat lady…..

Support

CFA-support-background-elephant-umbrella

Last night, I went to my first Bariatric support group.  We are required to attend one before having surgery.   I am still 7 lbs….7 LONG lbs away until my final steps.   I seem to have been bouncing between 1 & 2 lbs on the scale and I know that I need to be better in order to be successful.   I am still shooting for a January surgery date, but realistically, it may be February before I am scheduled.  I still need to reach pre surgery goal weight before i am scheduled for my psych appt, labs, EKG, meeting with RN case manager and pre surgery meeting.

I really didnt want to attend the support group.  It is in the middle of the day (can’t they schedule these things after work?) & I really hate meeting in general and speaking in meetings.   We did the usual meet and greet shortly after it started.  There were 3 post ops and the rest of us were pre ops.   I was inspired by the 2 women in the class that were post op.  They kept in real and were just great.   After surgery, I may need the support.   I am glad that I went.  I need to branch out more and do things like this to help myself in this battle.

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Pillbox for a Princess

pill box

First things first.  I am not a princess.    But you would think I am with all of the investigations and shopping that I have done in search of the perfect pillbox.   Currently, I am pre op & taking 4 different vitamins a day (some 3 times a day), Post op, I will be double, & maybe tripling that number.  I am having a hell of a time remembering them now!   At 8:30 every night, my alarm goes off and I take 4 vitamins then.  I am supposed to take 1 in the morning and two at lunch….THIS is where my problem lies.  Currently, I have one pill box at home and I am just remembering to pocket my two lunch vitamins…but i need something better so I have been over analyzing pill boxes to the extreme!   I’ve contemplated having one at my desk and then 2 at home for AM & PM.   I’ve also seen some cool ones that have individual days & compartments.

Anyone out there have one that they love to recommend to me?

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Don’t Get Too Skinny

skinny

Most people that I have told about my upcoming surgery have been supportive.  I have had a few people say “oh….that’s cool, but don’t get too skinny“.    I have always been a big girl & was shopping in the Pretty Plus section at Sears as a little girl.  I don’t know how it is to be skinny, as I have never been small.  I currently weigh 301 lbs, my heaviest weight being 330 lbs.    It’s not that i don’t like the way that i look now, but i want to be healthier.  I want to be able to cross my legs, sit in chairs and ride rides without worry.   I like the way 200 lbs looks on people, but even that it considered overweight.   Currently, I am afraid of not being able to hide behind myself and my weight jokes and I am also afraid of losing my big boobs.  lol…I’ve always been a “curves are better” type of girl.   BUT STILL, I can’t imagine myself any smaller that 200 lbs.

But what if i do?

Would being 165 or 150 lbs kill me?  Would i be unattractive?   Would my husband be disappointed?

NO, probably not.

But I would be healthier than i am now.  Isn’t that the end goal anyway?

I must learn to love myself on this journey at any size.

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Hair Loss Anxiety

cat wig

I know that one of the heartbreaking things that “can” happen to weight loss surgery patients is hair loss.  Apparently it is only temporary and lasts about 3 months.  I am not sure what the statistics are as to how many patients actually experience this, but the thought of my hair thinning is horrifying to me.   I have baby fine hair as it is.  It isn’t thick to begin with and I just am scared that I will look like that creature from Lord of the rings….My precious.  Boo!   I have thought that if it “does” happen to me, I can look into getting a weave, wearing head bands or rocking some wigs.   Maybe I can just get super funky brightly colored wigs and not giving a care to what others think.   It is supposed to only be temporary, but I just that it doesn’t happen to me.  I guess getting healthier does have some drawbacks!

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5 day streak of eating right PLUS exercise…. WHO AM I?

eating

Wouldn’t that be nice!???

I made it through a work week WHOLE WORK WEEK staying on plan and eating right.  Not once did i go over my 1200 calorie limit!   I also walked with my co workers to our Leslie Sansone walking videos at least once, sometimes twice a day.  All of this and i didn’t die!  LOL   This week I feel pretty good.  I see the scale slowly going in the right direction and I actually feel that i CAN DO THIS!   On Monday, I have my first nutrition appointment.  I find it odd that this is a group appointment, but maybe it is so that we can all bounce off one another and ask questions that maybe we wouldn’t ask on our own.  I hope to do well this weekend and really try to stick with my plan as much as possible.  I am hoping for a loss when I weigh in on Monday.

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The devil made me do it

choco

I decided to go shopping at Target after work to look for a pill box for all of the vitamins i will need to start taking.   Yes, a pill box of all things.  Once i realized they are not cute & all of them are relatively plain…I decided to go look for healthy snacks.  That was mistake #1.   I looked at crackers and dried fruit, then made my way to the chocolate covered fruit and carefully read the back of each package.   I was unhappy that 1 serving was not the whole bag & instead would be 5-8 servings….so I moved along to the rest of the candy aisle.   I turned around and surrounded by white light and a choir singing, the only thing before me was the Ghirardelli dark chocolate caramel sea salt bar.   I didnt look at the calories or put much thought into it.  I quickly grabbed it and thought to myself “well, that’s that” & made my way to the check out.   Once inside my car, I unwrapped that golden wrapper and sang to myself “i got the golden ticket”!   I quickly ate 4 out of the 8 square bars before the guilt set in.

Why did i do that!!??

My day had been perfect, eating wise, until that moment.   I wrapped up the remaining pieces and thought to myself that i would give the rest to my co workers the next day (which i did the minute i got to work).   Usually I would have ate the entire 8 bars, so I guess that is a win in my book.   I recognize that I shouldn’t have eaten that in the first place, but I know that I am not perfect and it is ok to have treats on occasion….just not in the fashion that I did.   Today is a new day and I will stick with my plan.

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Excited or Scared?

scared

I have had a few friends ask me if I am excited for my surgery that’ll happen most likely in the beginning of the new year.   YES, I am Excited for lots of reasons:

  • losing weight
  • being able to shop at most stores
  • sitting on the floor, sitting cross legged & Indian style
  • Being able to exercise more
  • being healthier
  • not worrying about sitting in chairs with arms or the dreaded plastic picnic chairs
  • fitting more comfortably in an airline seat
  • not having to worry if i will fit on rides

The list goes on & on……  but I am also Scared.

  • loose skin.  How bad will it be?
  • It is a major surgery (i’ve never had a surgery or been in the hospital)
  • Complications
  • not being able to eat & the mental drain

I think the benefits outweigh the negatives for sure & i am definitely excited.  January seems so far away, but for insurance purposes, it makes the most sense.   3 months isnt really very long at all & i still need to lose 19 lbs before my surgeon will do it.    LOTS of time to get excited!!!

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Mind Games of Hunger

hungry-bot

Every time I start a new diet  new way of eating, I feel like I am starving to death!   Clearly, I am not…but the feelings are so overwhelming.  I just want to stick anything in my mouth without having to worry about the nutritional value of it.  I know that these are mind tricks that my cruel brain has conjured up to tempt me.  The amount of times that I think about food in one day is ridiculous.  The hardest part of this journey will be mentally for sure.   The old Korn song A.D.I.D.A.S (all day i dream about sex) has been non stop in my head, but replace sex with food.

A.D.I D.A.F

All Day, I dream about food and all day i dream about food.

Anyway, this 1200 calorie thing has made it through the week so far and I plan of keeping it up.  I just hope that i see some results.  On sunday, i am going to pre plan my meals for the work week and follow the exact Kaiser guidelines of Protein, Non starchy veg, fruit and 1 fat & see how that plays on.   I am 19 lbs away from surgery.

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Orientation Step 2 & Surgeon Consult Step 3

Step two for my Gastric sleeve procedure was to attend the 4 hour orientation at Kaiser.   They gave us a big binder with LOTS of information to digest.  We also met a nutritionist and one of the surgeons.   The four hours flew by and it seems like Kaiser has an excellent program for us to follow.   Next step was to meet with my surgeon & find out how much weight he wants me to lose before a surgery is scheduled.

Step three is to meet with my surgeon Dr. Grinberg.  I was a little nervous because I felt like as soon as I had this meeting, it would be so final on what surgery I would have & that I would really need to start the agonizing task of losing pre surgery weight.   He was very nice, approved of my sleeve suggestion & said that he would like for me to lose 19 lbs before surgery.   I am to follow a 1200 calorie diet that is out lined in the binder that they had given me.  He didnt give me a timeline, but said that it wasnt a race…..but that he also didnt want me taking 6 months to a year either.  I need to get this done.  I HAVE to lose this weight.  I have a group nutritionist appointment in a week or so, I am hoping that I can just buckle down and do it.

white cat

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