Crazy Kitty Love

Confessions of a cat lady…..

Don’t Get Too Skinny

skinny

Most people that I have told about my upcoming surgery have been supportive.  I have had a few people say “oh….that’s cool, but don’t get too skinny“.    I have always been a big girl & was shopping in the Pretty Plus section at Sears as a little girl.  I don’t know how it is to be skinny, as I have never been small.  I currently weigh 301 lbs, my heaviest weight being 330 lbs.    It’s not that i don’t like the way that i look now, but i want to be healthier.  I want to be able to cross my legs, sit in chairs and ride rides without worry.   I like the way 200 lbs looks on people, but even that it considered overweight.   Currently, I am afraid of not being able to hide behind myself and my weight jokes and I am also afraid of losing my big boobs.  lol…I’ve always been a “curves are better” type of girl.   BUT STILL, I can’t imagine myself any smaller that 200 lbs.

But what if i do?

Would being 165 or 150 lbs kill me?  Would i be unattractive?   Would my husband be disappointed?

NO, probably not.

But I would be healthier than i am now.  Isn’t that the end goal anyway?

I must learn to love myself on this journey at any size.

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The devil made me do it

choco

I decided to go shopping at Target after work to look for a pill box for all of the vitamins i will need to start taking.   Yes, a pill box of all things.  Once i realized they are not cute & all of them are relatively plain…I decided to go look for healthy snacks.  That was mistake #1.   I looked at crackers and dried fruit, then made my way to the chocolate covered fruit and carefully read the back of each package.   I was unhappy that 1 serving was not the whole bag & instead would be 5-8 servings….so I moved along to the rest of the candy aisle.   I turned around and surrounded by white light and a choir singing, the only thing before me was the Ghirardelli dark chocolate caramel sea salt bar.   I didnt look at the calories or put much thought into it.  I quickly grabbed it and thought to myself “well, that’s that” & made my way to the check out.   Once inside my car, I unwrapped that golden wrapper and sang to myself “i got the golden ticket”!   I quickly ate 4 out of the 8 square bars before the guilt set in.

Why did i do that!!??

My day had been perfect, eating wise, until that moment.   I wrapped up the remaining pieces and thought to myself that i would give the rest to my co workers the next day (which i did the minute i got to work).   Usually I would have ate the entire 8 bars, so I guess that is a win in my book.   I recognize that I shouldn’t have eaten that in the first place, but I know that I am not perfect and it is ok to have treats on occasion….just not in the fashion that I did.   Today is a new day and I will stick with my plan.

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