Crazy Kitty Love

Confessions of a cat lady…..

Happy Days

Chip & I

Disneyland makes me happy.  So, does Disney World…but I live in California, so I have easier access to the Mouse house in Anaheim.  My husband & I are annual pass holders so we go quite often….every two months or so.   I’ve just recently started collecting the headband ears & we also collect pins.   I feel like we really bonded over our love for Disney,  We both long to go there on most days and seem happy and in love on the days that we are there.  It is a very unique thing that is hard to describe.  I hear a lot of people complaining about the price increase and how it is for rich people.  We are not rich, but it is worth it for us to go.    I hope that we can always share the special love of Disney that we have together.

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Pillbox for a Princess

pill box

First things first.  I am not a princess.    But you would think I am with all of the investigations and shopping that I have done in search of the perfect pillbox.   Currently, I am pre op & taking 4 different vitamins a day (some 3 times a day), Post op, I will be double, & maybe tripling that number.  I am having a hell of a time remembering them now!   At 8:30 every night, my alarm goes off and I take 4 vitamins then.  I am supposed to take 1 in the morning and two at lunch….THIS is where my problem lies.  Currently, I have one pill box at home and I am just remembering to pocket my two lunch vitamins…but i need something better so I have been over analyzing pill boxes to the extreme!   I’ve contemplated having one at my desk and then 2 at home for AM & PM.   I’ve also seen some cool ones that have individual days & compartments.

Anyone out there have one that they love to recommend to me?

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Don’t Get Too Skinny

skinny

Most people that I have told about my upcoming surgery have been supportive.  I have had a few people say “oh….that’s cool, but don’t get too skinny“.    I have always been a big girl & was shopping in the Pretty Plus section at Sears as a little girl.  I don’t know how it is to be skinny, as I have never been small.  I currently weigh 301 lbs, my heaviest weight being 330 lbs.    It’s not that i don’t like the way that i look now, but i want to be healthier.  I want to be able to cross my legs, sit in chairs and ride rides without worry.   I like the way 200 lbs looks on people, but even that it considered overweight.   Currently, I am afraid of not being able to hide behind myself and my weight jokes and I am also afraid of losing my big boobs.  lol…I’ve always been a “curves are better” type of girl.   BUT STILL, I can’t imagine myself any smaller that 200 lbs.

But what if i do?

Would being 165 or 150 lbs kill me?  Would i be unattractive?   Would my husband be disappointed?

NO, probably not.

But I would be healthier than i am now.  Isn’t that the end goal anyway?

I must learn to love myself on this journey at any size.

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8.4 Pounds = A Human Head

human head

I attended my group nutrition class today & was weighed prior.  It was my first “weigh in” since my surgeon appointment & I lost 8.4 pounds!   That is the equivalent to a human head.   I’ve been doing pretty well and eating right, tracking and exercise in this past week…so I was really hoping for a good loss.   I am about 12 pounds away from being able to finish everything that I need to do before surgery (psych appt, labs, EKG,final review with nurse, etc).  I can’t believe that everything is moving so rapidly.  I don’t want to have surgery until January, but we will see how fast this weight can come off.   I have two Disneyland trips coming up where I’ve decided that I won’t log or worry about what i eat.  I walk a million miles in those days and it isn’t very often that I have “free days” anymore, so i am ok with that.

In our nutrition class today there were a few people that just irked the hell out of me.  One woman seemed to just think the class revolved around her and would not stop talking.  I think in the two hours that we were there, we learned her weight, what meds she takes and her entire medical history.   I really am not fond of group activities as I find myself bothered my the idiots that try to ruin it for everyone else.

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5 day streak of eating right PLUS exercise…. WHO AM I?

eating

Wouldn’t that be nice!???

I made it through a work week WHOLE WORK WEEK staying on plan and eating right.  Not once did i go over my 1200 calorie limit!   I also walked with my co workers to our Leslie Sansone walking videos at least once, sometimes twice a day.  All of this and i didn’t die!  LOL   This week I feel pretty good.  I see the scale slowly going in the right direction and I actually feel that i CAN DO THIS!   On Monday, I have my first nutrition appointment.  I find it odd that this is a group appointment, but maybe it is so that we can all bounce off one another and ask questions that maybe we wouldn’t ask on our own.  I hope to do well this weekend and really try to stick with my plan as much as possible.  I am hoping for a loss when I weigh in on Monday.

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The devil made me do it

choco

I decided to go shopping at Target after work to look for a pill box for all of the vitamins i will need to start taking.   Yes, a pill box of all things.  Once i realized they are not cute & all of them are relatively plain…I decided to go look for healthy snacks.  That was mistake #1.   I looked at crackers and dried fruit, then made my way to the chocolate covered fruit and carefully read the back of each package.   I was unhappy that 1 serving was not the whole bag & instead would be 5-8 servings….so I moved along to the rest of the candy aisle.   I turned around and surrounded by white light and a choir singing, the only thing before me was the Ghirardelli dark chocolate caramel sea salt bar.   I didnt look at the calories or put much thought into it.  I quickly grabbed it and thought to myself “well, that’s that” & made my way to the check out.   Once inside my car, I unwrapped that golden wrapper and sang to myself “i got the golden ticket”!   I quickly ate 4 out of the 8 square bars before the guilt set in.

Why did i do that!!??

My day had been perfect, eating wise, until that moment.   I wrapped up the remaining pieces and thought to myself that i would give the rest to my co workers the next day (which i did the minute i got to work).   Usually I would have ate the entire 8 bars, so I guess that is a win in my book.   I recognize that I shouldn’t have eaten that in the first place, but I know that I am not perfect and it is ok to have treats on occasion….just not in the fashion that I did.   Today is a new day and I will stick with my plan.

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Excited or Scared?

scared

I have had a few friends ask me if I am excited for my surgery that’ll happen most likely in the beginning of the new year.   YES, I am Excited for lots of reasons:

  • losing weight
  • being able to shop at most stores
  • sitting on the floor, sitting cross legged & Indian style
  • Being able to exercise more
  • being healthier
  • not worrying about sitting in chairs with arms or the dreaded plastic picnic chairs
  • fitting more comfortably in an airline seat
  • not having to worry if i will fit on rides

The list goes on & on……  but I am also Scared.

  • loose skin.  How bad will it be?
  • It is a major surgery (i’ve never had a surgery or been in the hospital)
  • Complications
  • not being able to eat & the mental drain

I think the benefits outweigh the negatives for sure & i am definitely excited.  January seems so far away, but for insurance purposes, it makes the most sense.   3 months isnt really very long at all & i still need to lose 19 lbs before my surgeon will do it.    LOTS of time to get excited!!!

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I am a wife now

Just-Married-1440x1280

With all of the excitement of my weight loss surgery on the horizon, I forgot to mention to my blog that I got married.   August 22, 2015 we drove up to Reno & made a commitment to each other.   We were just going to go alone, but my best friend and her boyfriend ending up coming too!   Dreams of a large wedding & our families being there were awesome…but the stress & the ticket price that went along with those dreams just weren’t worth it to me.   We have been together a little under two years & just felt that we wanted to do it as low key & as low priced as possible.  So, we did just that.  We laughed through the entire speech that came before our vows.  I think we are both nervous gigglers, so it was funny.

I am a wife now & I have a husband but I think it still hasn’t sank it quite yet.  It is very surreal as it seems like this is what i have wanted most of my life.  I think the strangest thing is my name change.  It is odd to go 39 years with an identity & then with minutes, a new identity is mine.   Signing my name looks like a toddler wrote it.   But overall, I love my husband and am glad that we decided to take this step.

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Mind Games of Hunger

hungry-bot

Every time I start a new diet  new way of eating, I feel like I am starving to death!   Clearly, I am not…but the feelings are so overwhelming.  I just want to stick anything in my mouth without having to worry about the nutritional value of it.  I know that these are mind tricks that my cruel brain has conjured up to tempt me.  The amount of times that I think about food in one day is ridiculous.  The hardest part of this journey will be mentally for sure.   The old Korn song A.D.I.D.A.S (all day i dream about sex) has been non stop in my head, but replace sex with food.

A.D.I D.A.F

All Day, I dream about food and all day i dream about food.

Anyway, this 1200 calorie thing has made it through the week so far and I plan of keeping it up.  I just hope that i see some results.  On sunday, i am going to pre plan my meals for the work week and follow the exact Kaiser guidelines of Protein, Non starchy veg, fruit and 1 fat & see how that plays on.   I am 19 lbs away from surgery.

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Chasing Love- updated

Chasing Love

I’ve been quiet lately, I know. I just figured that there will be times i blog and times i don’t. But overall, I tend to blog about love and broken hearts.

About 3 weeks ago, I met a new guy. He is great and we clicked almost immediately…however, I just wasn’t really attracted to him. After our first date, I told him that I wasn’t ready to kiss and wanted to take it slow. This is unusual for me. We texted a LOT day and night, but i still kept my distance a tad in saying anything too forward. After a few dates, we kissed and a little more, but still no sex. I kept my word that I wasn’t ready. He really liked me, I could tell and I started to become a lot more attracted to him. Every morning at 7:40, he sends me a good morning text. I really like this guy. He was married before, has a child, has lost a ton of weight, so I knew that he had life experiences that were good and that HE is a good person. Last week, sex just happened. A few days later, he got sick, then had a fight with his roomie and his daughter was coming in town. He is beyond stressed. Then 7:40 came and left with no text. Texts became less and less. A day has not gone by where we didn’t communicate, but it was still noticeably less. When he has his daughter all of his time is devoted to her, so I knew we wouldn’t really see each other over the weekend. So….last night we talked on the phone for awhile and i addressed all of my concerns. He says that he has a lot of his plate and is super stressed and that we had sex too soon and he is freaking out a bit. What does that EVEN mean?? I put up such a wall at first. I almost feel like I just can’t win when it comes to the whole sex thing. He is one of those people who shuts everyone out when he is stressed about stuff, so he said he isn’t quite sure when he would be ready to see me again. But then we also started talking about future plans and how i would meet his daughter one day. This is all so very confusing to me. I really like this guy now. It is funny how when i was aloof and unsure, he was chasing me like a maniac and the minute i had a change of heart to really let him in, he has backed away. This whole cat and mouse game is something that I’ve yet to master.

UPDATE-  Well, i just got the infamous ” I can only offer friendship at this time” text message.  What the fuck!?    Is this my CURSE?   SUCH a disappointment.

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