Crazy Kitty Love

Confessions of a cat lady…..

Don’t Get Too Skinny

skinny

Most people that I have told about my upcoming surgery have been supportive.  I have had a few people say “oh….that’s cool, but don’t get too skinny“.    I have always been a big girl & was shopping in the Pretty Plus section at Sears as a little girl.  I don’t know how it is to be skinny, as I have never been small.  I currently weigh 301 lbs, my heaviest weight being 330 lbs.    It’s not that i don’t like the way that i look now, but i want to be healthier.  I want to be able to cross my legs, sit in chairs and ride rides without worry.   I like the way 200 lbs looks on people, but even that it considered overweight.   Currently, I am afraid of not being able to hide behind myself and my weight jokes and I am also afraid of losing my big boobs.  lol…I’ve always been a “curves are better” type of girl.   BUT STILL, I can’t imagine myself any smaller that 200 lbs.

But what if i do?

Would being 165 or 150 lbs kill me?  Would i be unattractive?   Would my husband be disappointed?

NO, probably not.

But I would be healthier than i am now.  Isn’t that the end goal anyway?

I must learn to love myself on this journey at any size.

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Excited or Scared?

scared

I have had a few friends ask me if I am excited for my surgery that’ll happen most likely in the beginning of the new year.   YES, I am Excited for lots of reasons:

  • losing weight
  • being able to shop at most stores
  • sitting on the floor, sitting cross legged & Indian style
  • Being able to exercise more
  • being healthier
  • not worrying about sitting in chairs with arms or the dreaded plastic picnic chairs
  • fitting more comfortably in an airline seat
  • not having to worry if i will fit on rides

The list goes on & on……  but I am also Scared.

  • loose skin.  How bad will it be?
  • It is a major surgery (i’ve never had a surgery or been in the hospital)
  • Complications
  • not being able to eat & the mental drain

I think the benefits outweigh the negatives for sure & i am definitely excited.  January seems so far away, but for insurance purposes, it makes the most sense.   3 months isnt really very long at all & i still need to lose 19 lbs before my surgeon will do it.    LOTS of time to get excited!!!

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Mind Games of Hunger

hungry-bot

Every time I start a new diet  new way of eating, I feel like I am starving to death!   Clearly, I am not…but the feelings are so overwhelming.  I just want to stick anything in my mouth without having to worry about the nutritional value of it.  I know that these are mind tricks that my cruel brain has conjured up to tempt me.  The amount of times that I think about food in one day is ridiculous.  The hardest part of this journey will be mentally for sure.   The old Korn song A.D.I.D.A.S (all day i dream about sex) has been non stop in my head, but replace sex with food.

A.D.I D.A.F

All Day, I dream about food and all day i dream about food.

Anyway, this 1200 calorie thing has made it through the week so far and I plan of keeping it up.  I just hope that i see some results.  On sunday, i am going to pre plan my meals for the work week and follow the exact Kaiser guidelines of Protein, Non starchy veg, fruit and 1 fat & see how that plays on.   I am 19 lbs away from surgery.

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Chasing Love- updated

Chasing Love

I’ve been quiet lately, I know. I just figured that there will be times i blog and times i don’t. But overall, I tend to blog about love and broken hearts.

About 3 weeks ago, I met a new guy. He is great and we clicked almost immediately…however, I just wasn’t really attracted to him. After our first date, I told him that I wasn’t ready to kiss and wanted to take it slow. This is unusual for me. We texted a LOT day and night, but i still kept my distance a tad in saying anything too forward. After a few dates, we kissed and a little more, but still no sex. I kept my word that I wasn’t ready. He really liked me, I could tell and I started to become a lot more attracted to him. Every morning at 7:40, he sends me a good morning text. I really like this guy. He was married before, has a child, has lost a ton of weight, so I knew that he had life experiences that were good and that HE is a good person. Last week, sex just happened. A few days later, he got sick, then had a fight with his roomie and his daughter was coming in town. He is beyond stressed. Then 7:40 came and left with no text. Texts became less and less. A day has not gone by where we didn’t communicate, but it was still noticeably less. When he has his daughter all of his time is devoted to her, so I knew we wouldn’t really see each other over the weekend. So….last night we talked on the phone for awhile and i addressed all of my concerns. He says that he has a lot of his plate and is super stressed and that we had sex too soon and he is freaking out a bit. What does that EVEN mean?? I put up such a wall at first. I almost feel like I just can’t win when it comes to the whole sex thing. He is one of those people who shuts everyone out when he is stressed about stuff, so he said he isn’t quite sure when he would be ready to see me again. But then we also started talking about future plans and how i would meet his daughter one day. This is all so very confusing to me. I really like this guy now. It is funny how when i was aloof and unsure, he was chasing me like a maniac and the minute i had a change of heart to really let him in, he has backed away. This whole cat and mouse game is something that I’ve yet to master.

UPDATE-  Well, i just got the infamous ” I can only offer friendship at this time” text message.  What the fuck!?    Is this my CURSE?   SUCH a disappointment.

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Feeling it. (updated)

Feeling it.

I had a date last weekend with someone that I met online and had been talking to on the phone. I had not met him in person yet. So, on Saturday I was less than 10 minutes away to meeting him and my tire blew on the freeway. I called him to let him know and surprisingly he asked me where I was and said he would be there in 15 minutes. 15 minutes later, he pulled up behind my car and that is when we met for the very first time. He gave me a hug, we said hello and he proceeded to change my tire. It was so awesome! Then, I followed him the rest of the way. Since then there has been another long date, constant texts and in general I am feeling really happy. I think he feels the same. I’ve been hurt so many times, that in the back of my mind, I know he can disappear at any moment never to be heard from again. I really hope he sticks around though.

UPDATE:   One day after this post and I already got the “I’m sorry.  i need time to get my shit together” text.  Unbelievable.  I know it was too good to be true.  I swear, these guys are artists in the rarest of forms!

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Catfish- David Scott

Catfish- David Scott

if you haven’t seen the documentary Catfish,  then you must! It is a daters nightmare and I fear has become quite popular. They even made an MTV show after it. After doing some research 1 out of 10 internet dating profiles are FAKE. This is a scary thought. Who is out there?

For the past few days, a guy named David Scott has been messaging me from a dating site. He then asked for my yahoo messenger so that he could message me there. He is 35 and pretty cute. He lost his wife in a car crash two years prior and has two children living with their grandma. He says he is a contractor and travels a lot. His biggest and most unusual job was in Dubai where he stayed for 3 months. He lives in Seattle, Washington. When i explained to him that I was only looking for a local relationship, he insisted that we just get to know each. Something about him just wasn’t right. He sent more pictures to me of him since I said there was only two. He ended every sentence with “cutie” or “beautiful” though, which to me sent red flags that he wasn’t really using it properly and maybe English was a secondary language. Another red flag is that he said he is “over” his wife that had died. You don’t just get “over” something like that. Anyway, he kept saying how I brighten his days and blah blah blah. Honestly, I thought he was more annoying than anything. He asked for my phone number to text me and I declined because I just could not put my finger on what was wrong. After our online chat last night, I did a simple search. He is from Nigeria. SAME story he told me, he tells others in different variations. Basically after months or years of stringing someone along he eventually asks for money and scams the hell out of you. These women ACTUALLY gave him money. I would NEVER, EVER do that!
It is an interesting story and my first experience with a dating scammer. It is a crazy world out there!

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Run Away

Run Away

This morning I had something happen that has happened before and I’m just not sure why men feel the need to do this. So, after a couple of dates with the same guy, he was clearly just moving incredibly too fast. He basically was talking about love, feelings, kids and moving in together which I am NOWHERE NEAR  ready for. However, I listened to him talk about all of these things and where he thought our relationship was heading. He just seems so in love with me so fast. I need more time, but I am enjoying our time together.
Fast Forward to this morning, I got a 5 page text basically saying “he is confused and good luck with my search on finding someone”. I am shocked. Not because I had feelings for him, but because I feel duped, once again. This is not the first time I have encountered this and I just am baffled. Why say all of these “future” type plans of love and marriage, when you are not feeling them?
I am okay though. I still feel I am not ready for another relationship anyway, but this just warns me of all of the crazy people that are out there.

Run away man-child. I don’t need you in my life!

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This little heart of mine….

This little heart of mine....

I find myself more guarded these days. More careful and selective on who I want into my life. I’ve been hurt way too many times and I just don’t know if this heart could handle another disappointment. Sometimes I wish that I could just somehow turn off my heart emotions and only use my brain. Easier said than done. My “meet up” date the other day went well. I found myself making a mental list of things that I liked and things that I do not like. I enjoy talking to someone new, but am just not sure if it is a match or not. He likes to talk on the phone a LOT and I am just not into it. His nervous jibber jabber turns into a “talk -a- mile- a -minute” blur, to the point where I can not even understand what he is saying. However, I can not make a clear judgement quite yet. Another date is in the works. My heart still cries for my ex though. We still talk on a regular basis and I just really wish that it could have turned out differently, but I know this decision was the best one. I finally have been enjoying my alone time again with my cats and with my friends. Next week my bestie is taking the whole day off so that we can go to the state fair together. I SO need this as we have not been spending a lot of time together. Our busy lives have gotten in the way. I am healing and doing better. Accepting each day as it comes and trying new friendships out. Only time will tell what is in store for me!

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Moving Forward

Moving Forward

At some point, everyone, including myself, has to move on. It has been a little over a month and a half since the break up. I really have/had no intention on meeting anyone. It is funny how everyone has an opinion on the matter.

“It’s too soon”,
“be alone for awhile”
“take time”.

No one really knows how I feel or how he feels. Every break up is different and every relationship is different. I’ve been talking to someone new on the phone and through text for a few days. He wants to meet. I am terrified. I already am comparing him to my ex and being quite critical. He has passed my qualification checklist test. I think I should meet him. We could be friends, I could hate him or he could be the love of my life. But, I will never know unless I be brave, put myself out there and Move FORWARD!

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I’m a Loner, Dottie

I'm a Loner, Dottie

It is interesting how different I am when I am in a relationship Vs Single. When I am in a relationship, I am an intense planner. I like to know when, where, why and how we are going somewhere. I guess it is my way of always having a connection with my partner. When I am single, I like to play it by ear. I do make plans, but then sometimes regret it because I would rather be alone when the day arrives. I also like to leave myself completely open in case my mind changes or I want to go elsewhere on a whim. When I am single, I also have realized that I really love to go to movies all by myself. I can pick the movie I want. I don’t have to wait for anyone else to arrive and I can eat my popcorn in peace. I really DO enjoy being in a relationship and I really DO enjoy doing things with my friends when I am in the mood. But sometimes, I DO just like being alone enjoying my own company.
I’m a Loner, Dottie, A Rebel.

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