Crazy Kitty Love

Confessions of a cat lady…..

Support

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Last night, I went to my first Bariatric support group.  We are required to attend one before having surgery.   I am still 7 lbs….7 LONG lbs away until my final steps.   I seem to have been bouncing between 1 & 2 lbs on the scale and I know that I need to be better in order to be successful.   I am still shooting for a January surgery date, but realistically, it may be February before I am scheduled.  I still need to reach pre surgery goal weight before i am scheduled for my psych appt, labs, EKG, meeting with RN case manager and pre surgery meeting.

I really didnt want to attend the support group.  It is in the middle of the day (can’t they schedule these things after work?) & I really hate meeting in general and speaking in meetings.   We did the usual meet and greet shortly after it started.  There were 3 post ops and the rest of us were pre ops.   I was inspired by the 2 women in the class that were post op.  They kept in real and were just great.   After surgery, I may need the support.   I am glad that I went.  I need to branch out more and do things like this to help myself in this battle.

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Don’t Get Too Skinny

skinny

Most people that I have told about my upcoming surgery have been supportive.  I have had a few people say “oh….that’s cool, but don’t get too skinny“.    I have always been a big girl & was shopping in the Pretty Plus section at Sears as a little girl.  I don’t know how it is to be skinny, as I have never been small.  I currently weigh 301 lbs, my heaviest weight being 330 lbs.    It’s not that i don’t like the way that i look now, but i want to be healthier.  I want to be able to cross my legs, sit in chairs and ride rides without worry.   I like the way 200 lbs looks on people, but even that it considered overweight.   Currently, I am afraid of not being able to hide behind myself and my weight jokes and I am also afraid of losing my big boobs.  lol…I’ve always been a “curves are better” type of girl.   BUT STILL, I can’t imagine myself any smaller that 200 lbs.

But what if i do?

Would being 165 or 150 lbs kill me?  Would i be unattractive?   Would my husband be disappointed?

NO, probably not.

But I would be healthier than i am now.  Isn’t that the end goal anyway?

I must learn to love myself on this journey at any size.

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8.4 Pounds = A Human Head

human head

I attended my group nutrition class today & was weighed prior.  It was my first “weigh in” since my surgeon appointment & I lost 8.4 pounds!   That is the equivalent to a human head.   I’ve been doing pretty well and eating right, tracking and exercise in this past week…so I was really hoping for a good loss.   I am about 12 pounds away from being able to finish everything that I need to do before surgery (psych appt, labs, EKG,final review with nurse, etc).  I can’t believe that everything is moving so rapidly.  I don’t want to have surgery until January, but we will see how fast this weight can come off.   I have two Disneyland trips coming up where I’ve decided that I won’t log or worry about what i eat.  I walk a million miles in those days and it isn’t very often that I have “free days” anymore, so i am ok with that.

In our nutrition class today there were a few people that just irked the hell out of me.  One woman seemed to just think the class revolved around her and would not stop talking.  I think in the two hours that we were there, we learned her weight, what meds she takes and her entire medical history.   I really am not fond of group activities as I find myself bothered my the idiots that try to ruin it for everyone else.

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The devil made me do it

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I decided to go shopping at Target after work to look for a pill box for all of the vitamins i will need to start taking.   Yes, a pill box of all things.  Once i realized they are not cute & all of them are relatively plain…I decided to go look for healthy snacks.  That was mistake #1.   I looked at crackers and dried fruit, then made my way to the chocolate covered fruit and carefully read the back of each package.   I was unhappy that 1 serving was not the whole bag & instead would be 5-8 servings….so I moved along to the rest of the candy aisle.   I turned around and surrounded by white light and a choir singing, the only thing before me was the Ghirardelli dark chocolate caramel sea salt bar.   I didnt look at the calories or put much thought into it.  I quickly grabbed it and thought to myself “well, that’s that” & made my way to the check out.   Once inside my car, I unwrapped that golden wrapper and sang to myself “i got the golden ticket”!   I quickly ate 4 out of the 8 square bars before the guilt set in.

Why did i do that!!??

My day had been perfect, eating wise, until that moment.   I wrapped up the remaining pieces and thought to myself that i would give the rest to my co workers the next day (which i did the minute i got to work).   Usually I would have ate the entire 8 bars, so I guess that is a win in my book.   I recognize that I shouldn’t have eaten that in the first place, but I know that I am not perfect and it is ok to have treats on occasion….just not in the fashion that I did.   Today is a new day and I will stick with my plan.

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Excited or Scared?

scared

I have had a few friends ask me if I am excited for my surgery that’ll happen most likely in the beginning of the new year.   YES, I am Excited for lots of reasons:

  • losing weight
  • being able to shop at most stores
  • sitting on the floor, sitting cross legged & Indian style
  • Being able to exercise more
  • being healthier
  • not worrying about sitting in chairs with arms or the dreaded plastic picnic chairs
  • fitting more comfortably in an airline seat
  • not having to worry if i will fit on rides

The list goes on & on……  but I am also Scared.

  • loose skin.  How bad will it be?
  • It is a major surgery (i’ve never had a surgery or been in the hospital)
  • Complications
  • not being able to eat & the mental drain

I think the benefits outweigh the negatives for sure & i am definitely excited.  January seems so far away, but for insurance purposes, it makes the most sense.   3 months isnt really very long at all & i still need to lose 19 lbs before my surgeon will do it.    LOTS of time to get excited!!!

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Mind Games of Hunger

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Every time I start a new diet  new way of eating, I feel like I am starving to death!   Clearly, I am not…but the feelings are so overwhelming.  I just want to stick anything in my mouth without having to worry about the nutritional value of it.  I know that these are mind tricks that my cruel brain has conjured up to tempt me.  The amount of times that I think about food in one day is ridiculous.  The hardest part of this journey will be mentally for sure.   The old Korn song A.D.I.D.A.S (all day i dream about sex) has been non stop in my head, but replace sex with food.

A.D.I D.A.F

All Day, I dream about food and all day i dream about food.

Anyway, this 1200 calorie thing has made it through the week so far and I plan of keeping it up.  I just hope that i see some results.  On sunday, i am going to pre plan my meals for the work week and follow the exact Kaiser guidelines of Protein, Non starchy veg, fruit and 1 fat & see how that plays on.   I am 19 lbs away from surgery.

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Orientation Step 2 & Surgeon Consult Step 3

Step two for my Gastric sleeve procedure was to attend the 4 hour orientation at Kaiser.   They gave us a big binder with LOTS of information to digest.  We also met a nutritionist and one of the surgeons.   The four hours flew by and it seems like Kaiser has an excellent program for us to follow.   Next step was to meet with my surgeon & find out how much weight he wants me to lose before a surgery is scheduled.

Step three is to meet with my surgeon Dr. Grinberg.  I was a little nervous because I felt like as soon as I had this meeting, it would be so final on what surgery I would have & that I would really need to start the agonizing task of losing pre surgery weight.   He was very nice, approved of my sleeve suggestion & said that he would like for me to lose 19 lbs before surgery.   I am to follow a 1200 calorie diet that is out lined in the binder that they had given me.  He didnt give me a timeline, but said that it wasnt a race…..but that he also didnt want me taking 6 months to a year either.  I need to get this done.  I HAVE to lose this weight.  I have a group nutritionist appointment in a week or so, I am hoping that I can just buckle down and do it.

white cat

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Weight Loss Surgery- Step 1 Informational Seminar

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About 6 years ago, I attended a weight loss surgery seminar at Kaiser and left thinking it was not for me.   Last night, I attended one again and am convinced at this time that it is a very good option for me.  I joined a support group not that long ago on Facebook and love that I can see all different aspects of folks experiences Pre Op and Post Op and love all of their encouraging photos on their weight loss.   Weight loss surgery is NOT the easy way out by any means.  There is a lot of work involved every step of the way.  My next step is to attend a 4 hour orientation which i hope to have scheduled soon once my Doctor sends over the referral.  I am very interested in having the gastric sleeve procedure done and am hoping that my surgeon agrees and that I get approved through my insurance.  I will have to lose about 30 lbs prior on my own and have extensive classes before I will get to a surgery date.  It is very scary as I am relatively healthy and have never had any type of surgery done before.  But at the same time, it is very exciting to possibly have a tool to really help me lose the weight and to keep it off.  I will keep this blog updated every step of the way !

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